I wanted to share Mark’s post, because it hit home for me, and prompted me to write about my own experience with unexpressed emotions.
Wow. There is no doubt this is one of the reasons I got knocked on my ass with a physical illness. Inflammation related. Leaky gut for sure. Why I could no longer do high intensity workouts, and push all my emotions into sports and aggression. I ate my emotions. I literally swallowed them instead of expressing them.
I didn’t want to be viewed as weak.
I didn’t want to be the one to break down and “feel.”
I didn’t want to let someone see they “got to me”
I was so so angry and held in rage and pain.
I told myself I got it all out in sports. On the heavy bag.
I felt a release! But it was still unexpressed.
I didn’t set boundaries properly.
I didn’t want to set the truth out there for fear of feeling more. For fear of feeling more rejection that would appear as proof that I’m disposable.
Years ago, I stopped “chasing” women out of fear of abandonment and codependency when they would “run” from me! I was so proud of myself for stopping that behavior! I also felt like I had some dignity and self respect! And I did gain that!!
Then…. the pendulum swung the other way. I did nothing. Said nothing. Closed down and stopped talking. Convinced myself I was over it. I didn’t care.
But… it did allow me a pause to go within and examined my own triggers, heal my own unhealthy beliefs about myself, and love and relationships.
I sought to find the balance between reacting, and saying what I wanted, and expressing emotion, and chasing after a person …vs…
Responding, giving myself and the other person time, space, and then revisiting a situation in a more relaxed discussion. Stating my feelings instead of letting them take over.
But this is hard. This is really hard.
I still ended up eating more of the emotions, after the initial fact, saying it’s not worth it. Fuck it. I don’t even care anymore I’m not going to say anything. I’ll deal with it on my own. It’s just a trigger for me to examine. I also process way too long now. Once in a great while I will say something in the immediate that I don’t mean and that is from emotional reflex. This usually isn’t helpful. It is rare I do it! But if I process too long, I end up not saying anything at all. The moment has passed now. The emotional charge is not at the surface. It’s now embedded inside of myself like a tick. Great. So which is worse? Lol
Hurt the other person, say shit off the cuff, and harm the relationship.. or hold it in, wait, process, and end up eating it.. which harms yourself… AND the relationship.
After doing the latter for a while I became sick. Physically sick.
You cannot always turn inward and say that you can deal with everything on your own. Sometimes expression needs to happen and a discussion with another person. Other times it doesn’t and it’s just for you to see your patterns.
Even other times, a discussion may need to be had but the other person is not in a place where it would be possible to have one that would have any decent outcome aside from more hurt and frustration.
Learning that discernment is really tough! Get yourself a really good guide to take you through that. That is what I did! I had wonderful coaches, and a great supporting therapist.
This post is part of my practice of expression. Getting it out.
I am no longer eating anything that I don’t want to eat….That I wouldn’t want to feed somebody else. It needs to be out there. It needs to be released.
Burning rage and anger need expressed. I thought I was doing it in healthy ways and that it was leaving my body. The inflammation that I still have tells me I still have more work to do. So I may be saying some shit soon LOL
Often times that anger and rage turns into bouts of crying. And feeling really sad. Usually that is when I release it on my own. And a lot of the times I’m telling somebody in that moment what’s happening. And they are holding a space for me.
Unexpressed feelings, and pain, turns into massive anger and rage at others as well as at the self. At the situation. At life. Especially with us masculine energy people.
That is why Prayer and meditation are huge. Huge.
I am teaching a mini meditation course right now. Because it’s so essential to healing your mind and body.
My body suffered so much from years of panic and anxiety, years of unexpressed pain and anger, years of abandonment and rejection of self, years of not choosing myself, years of not respecting and loving myself, years of being controlled by my own codependent worries and fears.
My unlayering process began in 2012. And what a beautiful journey it has been.
I have had massive lessons learned over the past eight years. Massive pain. And massive healing.
In 2012, I said to myself, I’m not gonna be a therapist if I can’t figure out how to deal with some of my own issues. God listened. He said OK, I’ll make sure that you get what you need in order to do your mission in life. Ohhh boy did He ever! 🤦🏽♀️
If this is something you are dealing with and need guidance, feel free to reach out and book a session with me.