Emotional Healing: It’s so hard to recognize the story let alone change it.. but if you don’t find the roots of what holds that story in place, what allows it to keep playing on repeat.. it will just keep going on and on.. different faces and places.. same outcomes. You will say, that’s not going to happen to me again, just for it to do exactly that..Just when you think you have it all changed and reconfigured.. you don’t. You have to look even deeper. Be with yourself even more intensely. Break down more systems of faulty belief. Delete old trauma. Upload the new. The new programs that are the opposite of what you were running in the background. Even when you change the old behaviors, it’s not enough. Those are just outwards actions. You must change what created those behaviors in the first place. And it can’t be because you put your attention on something positive. It cannot be outside yourself. Nothing is going to rescue you. Then the true self can be revealed. And all these old emotional programs and faulty beliefs can be extracted. And you will have to do this many, many times in your short human life. Many layers. Utilizing energy healing modalities can assist you with this process. Peeling back the layers, clearing chakras, and receiving healing energy can loosen up the foundation that is so in need of being rebuilt! I’m here if you want to work on it! I do distant healing session, and some in person. Click here to see the types of sessions I offer. One of my favorite theorists, Carl Jung, is one of the leaders to discovering how the subconscious runs the show. Click here to read more about him. Sending you all love, light and healing and peace!
The Reality You’re In
See…. nobody is going to believe me when I talk about this reality, because they “want” to stay in their subconscious programming that they’ve always been taught… not only by their own parents, and individual experiences but also by years of the collective subconscious information that says that this is only possible. This or that is the only way.
They don’t really want to see outside of that box, because it would be a direct challenge against what they’ve been taught. It would bring into question Who and what they believe they are. It would contradict the “facts” (insert eyeroll emoji here). This goes against the rules of religion. Against the “universe.” Against “karma.” Against “how the world works.”
Good thing the rules are not facts!!
All the systems have something in common: control and powerlessness.
You have no power to create the reality that you want to be in. You are a victim to circumstances. God is in charge. Your spirit guides are in charge. The universe is in charge. The planets rule you. You are told to always give your power away every day, and even taught that you don’t have any to begin with. You will never end up with what you really want because you don’t believe any differently.
You may start to open up to a different belief, but then shut that down because you say that it’s not possible. You must believe that it’s possible! You must change that set up!
If people would just watch the Matrix movie a couple more times, they would understand what they are really trying to say in that movie!!
We are told there is a savior. There is a specific God, and we don’t compare to that God. that creator. We are small and weak, and we are just minions. life is about suffering and disease and death and hardship and lack of money and trauma.
We need to learn to thrive, and that happens through understanding that our minds are there to show us a different way, and our souls are connected to our minds.
Our bodies are connected to our minds. Our subconscious minds can be programmed to see what we want to see show up!
What stands in the way are feelings that we are told to feel…guilt, shame, or the idea we are bad people if we want a lot of money, or if we want success or fame, or anything nice for ourselves unless it is aligned with what they want you to do.
Our traumatic experiences stand in our way. Trauma tells us that the future is going to be like the past and we play it safe.
It is just what we think we know, and we don’t believe that those things can be changed because we believe so much in logical 3-D reality and circumstances.
There is no faith in that.
They want to preach about faith, the evidence of things not seen. But they do not want you to use your imagination to create. They say do not live in a fantasy world. Hmmmm sounds ridiculous to me.
We all have the power to do anything if we do it through beliefs, which is faith, faith is a belief. Your whole reality is created from the beliefs we have been talking about above. Choose different beliefs. You are allowed to do that!! Change!!! I don’t have to write a book about it, because there are tons of books already written that are accessible to you right now!!!!! Pick one up, sit down in your favorite spot and read!!!
“You must assume that you already are what you want to be and then live by faith in this assumption. Living from the end means that you call the things which do not exist, as if they did. It will chase after you if you can place into your imagination what it is that you would like to attract and begin to feel it that which you feel yourself to be you are, and you are given that which you are. so assume the feeling that would be yours were you already in possession of your wish and your wish must be realized.”
Wayne Dyer giving a speech. Check out his books “Wishes Fulfilled” and “Change your Thoughts, Change your Life.”
Also, read books by Neville Goddard, Joseph Murphy, Robert Russell, and Emmett Fox.
Here are some good Neville quotes:
You are free to choose the concept you will accept of yourself. Therefore, you possess the power of intervention, the power which enables you to alter the course of your future. The process of rising from your present concept to a higher concept of yourself is the means of all true progress. The higher concept is waiting for you to incarnate it in the world of experience.”
Neville Goddard, The Power of Awareness
“The world moves with motiveless necessity. By this is meant that it has no motive of its own, but is under the necessity of manifesting your concept, the arrangement of your mind, and your mind is always arranged in the image of all you believe and consent to as true. “
“Each person is born with an infinite power, against which no earthly force is of the slightest significance.”
5 Requirements for Change
5 Requirements for Change:
1. Willingness:
How willing are you, on a scale of 1-10, to feel uncomfortable feelings, to allow circumstances to adjust, to have people exit your life, to allow new people to enter, to expose your inner truths?
This willingness must be a 10. This must happen first.
2. Openness:
You must be open to receive, to receive in different ways, to be open to new ideas and let go of old limiting beliefs, to be open to feeling. Open, honest, truthful, and vulnerable.
3. Drop Expectations:
Dropping expectations of how you think things “should “look. How they will happen/the specifics about the situation. Expectations of what your life plan “should “look like, of who your partner “should “ be, and how that all “should” arrive.
These are illusions of control that create resistance and suffering. Also, making it impossible to be open and willing.
4. Learn to Be, instead of Do/Get/Earn:
Experiencing being, instead of constantly doing the next thing. Constant doing prevents/blocks receptivity and openness. It emphasizes control. There is a myth of the more you do the more you learn, thereby and titling you to deserve “good “things or getting what you desire.
This is a falsity.
Be still and know that more doing won’t earn you a partner, abundance, a spot in heaven, love, or worth.
5. Find God/Find self:
To find God, you must look within. Find your true self. Uncover it by pulling back the layers that are covering it up. If you can’t connect with your core true self, it will be hard to connect to and to feel God.
In order to do this, number 1 through four are required.
These are 5 requirements for change to consider if you are feeling stuck!
If you need guidance, contact me for a session.
Unexpressed Feelings
I wanted to share Mark’s post, because it hit home for me, and prompted me to write about my own experience with unexpressed emotions.
Wow. There is no doubt this is one of the reasons I got knocked on my ass with a physical illness. Inflammation related. Leaky gut for sure. Why I could no longer do high intensity workouts, and push all my emotions into sports and aggression. I ate my emotions. I literally swallowed them instead of expressing them.
I didn’t want to be viewed as weak.
I didn’t want to be the one to break down and “feel.”
I didn’t want to let someone see they “got to me”
I was so so angry and held in rage and pain.
I told myself I got it all out in sports. On the heavy bag.
I felt a release! But it was still unexpressed.
I didn’t set boundaries properly.
I didn’t want to set the truth out there for fear of feeling more. For fear of feeling more rejection that would appear as proof that I’m disposable.
Years ago, I stopped “chasing” women out of fear of abandonment and codependency when they would “run” from me! I was so proud of myself for stopping that behavior! I also felt like I had some dignity and self respect! And I did gain that!!
Then…. the pendulum swung the other way. I did nothing. Said nothing. Closed down and stopped talking. Convinced myself I was over it. I didn’t care.
But… it did allow me a pause to go within and examined my own triggers, heal my own unhealthy beliefs about myself, and love and relationships.
I sought to find the balance between reacting, and saying what I wanted, and expressing emotion, and chasing after a person …vs…
Responding, giving myself and the other person time, space, and then revisiting a situation in a more relaxed discussion. Stating my feelings instead of letting them take over.
But this is hard. This is really hard.
I still ended up eating more of the emotions, after the initial fact, saying it’s not worth it. Fuck it. I don’t even care anymore I’m not going to say anything. I’ll deal with it on my own. It’s just a trigger for me to examine. I also process way too long now. Once in a great while I will say something in the immediate that I don’t mean and that is from emotional reflex. This usually isn’t helpful. It is rare I do it! But if I process too long, I end up not saying anything at all. The moment has passed now. The emotional charge is not at the surface. It’s now embedded inside of myself like a tick. Great. So which is worse? Lol
Hurt the other person, say shit off the cuff, and harm the relationship.. or hold it in, wait, process, and end up eating it.. which harms yourself… AND the relationship.
After doing the latter for a while I became sick. Physically sick.
You cannot always turn inward and say that you can deal with everything on your own. Sometimes expression needs to happen and a discussion with another person. Other times it doesn’t and it’s just for you to see your patterns.
Even other times, a discussion may need to be had but the other person is not in a place where it would be possible to have one that would have any decent outcome aside from more hurt and frustration.
Learning that discernment is really tough! Get yourself a really good guide to take you through that. That is what I did! I had wonderful coaches, and a great supporting therapist.
This post is part of my practice of expression. Getting it out.
I am no longer eating anything that I don’t want to eat….That I wouldn’t want to feed somebody else. It needs to be out there. It needs to be released.
Burning rage and anger need expressed. I thought I was doing it in healthy ways and that it was leaving my body. The inflammation that I still have tells me I still have more work to do. So I may be saying some shit soon LOL
Often times that anger and rage turns into bouts of crying. And feeling really sad. Usually that is when I release it on my own. And a lot of the times I’m telling somebody in that moment what’s happening. And they are holding a space for me.
Unexpressed feelings, and pain, turns into massive anger and rage at others as well as at the self. At the situation. At life. Especially with us masculine energy people.
That is why Prayer and meditation are huge. Huge.
I am teaching a mini meditation course right now. Because it’s so essential to healing your mind and body.
My body suffered so much from years of panic and anxiety, years of unexpressed pain and anger, years of abandonment and rejection of self, years of not choosing myself, years of not respecting and loving myself, years of being controlled by my own codependent worries and fears.
My unlayering process began in 2012. And what a beautiful journey it has been.
I have had massive lessons learned over the past eight years. Massive pain. And massive healing.
In 2012, I said to myself, I’m not gonna be a therapist if I can’t figure out how to deal with some of my own issues. God listened. He said OK, I’ll make sure that you get what you need in order to do your mission in life. Ohhh boy did He ever! 🤦🏽♀️
If this is something you are dealing with and need guidance, feel free to reach out and book a session with me.
4 Reasons You Can’t say “NO”
4 reasons you can’t say NO, and people please:
- Worry about how others will perceive you.
- To avoid feeling guilty or bad.
- To prevent loss.
- To make yourself feel valuable
Let’s break these down!
Often, as a therapist, I hear people tell me that they can’t say no when they want to. It is one of the top 5 issues that keep people from being free and happy.
Number one… Worry about how others will perceive you… you might say to yourself, “what if they tell others and then they think I’m a bad person.” Why is this such a worry? Because of what your programming says you “should”do. Outside, learned expectations of what/how people should be/do.
Number two…following through with something you don’t want to do in order to avoid something you don’t want to feel… is most commonly associated with guilt. But what is guilt? Where does it come from? Guilt is associated with doing something “wrong,” especially in a court of law. Why would we think we are “wrong” in a relationship? Go back to #1… Something we “should” be doing or being.
Number three…If you don’t do this, and say NO, then that person may distance themselves from you. You could lose a connection. This could trigger abandonment feelings. Even though that connection might not be healthy and you are hiding your true feelings, you might rather keep someone than lose them. Also, you may think, “If I don’t do this, then they won’t be there for me when I need it…” which is codependency.
Number four…last but not least… You don’t say No because you are getting something from it. You may fulfill the need to feel like “I am always the one everyone can depend on.” And that makes you feel valuable. Wanted. Needed. If you say No, they might not ask you again.. Then where would you get your value fix? They might not come to you again. Which ultimately leads back to #3, loss of connection.
See how these are all intertwined!!
You can’t totally separate them out. Just as you can’t totally separate the mind from the body. Although I see so many people “in their head” 95% of the day, it is causing them misery and suffering. Just watch someone when they talk. What is their body doing? Are they looking away from you a lot? Looking around to different eye positions is necessary to disengage from the moment and to recall with the mind. The body is forced out of engagement, via the eyes, from the person in front of them.
Also, you may see someone touch their head a lot. I often see people put both hands up to each side of their head when they are trying to utilize all head. They are forcing all the focus and life force energy to the mind, by using their hands to hold it.
So how do you stop people pleasing and start saying NO???????
You dig into these 4 areas and write out what is specifically happening inside of yourself. You sit and breathe while you do this. You stop, close your eyes, ask your body where do you feel this. You reconnect body with mind so they can work together. You ask yourself questions. Am I really ok with this belief I’ve identified? Why am I worried about being seen differently? What would that mean about me? Am I willing to choose to live differently? Am I willing to feel uncomfortable, temporarily, to set myself free and live more authentically?
Get someone to help guide you through this process if you need it!!!! Click here to work with me.
Sweet Surrender
I’m in complete gratitude right now, and Joy. This is the first time since last summer that I have been able to do a full boxing high intensity workout without any repercussions.
Last summer I was at the Academy and I was doing a one on one session with Chris and I never felt so sick in my life. After class, I had to wait for an hour before I could even leave the building. I am grateful for my family at the Academy who helped me to get through it after that workout. After that, I continued to physically decline and was broken down to the point of not being able to even eat this past fall. I had to give up all of my workouts aside from some squats and some dips on a chair.
I have worked really hard to get back to where I’m at, but the thing that got me there was God. And my surrender to God completely.
Yes I took supplements, yes I did reevaluate my entire diet. But I spent hours per day meditating, praying, surrendering my past, my future, everything to God. Over and over.
It wasn’t just one time and a miracle happened. I continued to surrender over and over. Today I listened to Iyanla Vanzant talk about surrender being the one most important thing you can do as a spiritual warrior… And it’s so true.
I wanted to cling so tightly to the things that I had, the lifestyle that I had. But I had to be willing to let it go completely. I had to be willing to accept where I was at. Period.
I had to let go of past trauma and fear. I had to open myself up in a different way. I had to let go of beliefs and illusions of control. I had to be completely uncomfortable… feel utterly miserable.
In the past two weeks I have reached another level of surrender. This quarantine has given me an opportunity to go way deeper than I ever thought I would go. To surrender more than I ever thought I would. And to change my entire DNA. My genetic make up. I have healed completely. Mind body and soul.
I’m so grateful to have been shown the way to complete and utter peace and freedom. Of course I’ll not take for granted anything in life. I will strive to always be flexible, be aware, and practice surrender, the art of surrender, every day. Whether that has to do with relationships or money or physical health or home life whatever the case.
This is not to say I will not have goals. Because the entire time that I was doing all of this healing I had a goal which was to be able to do exactly what I did today: full rounds of boxing with high intensity.. full force.. with out feeling one repercussion or symptom in my body!
I am in a state of bliss. I just cried tears of joy. I am so grateful for my connection with the Lord. Blessed Trinity. Sacred Heart of Jesus. I’m a fighter. And in order to win this battle I had to stop fighting… Completely surrender.. it is Your will not my will. But I can tell you what I want and I can tell you what I’m going to strive for. Our wills happened to match up LOL.
I did three 21 day meditations with Oprah and Deepak Chopra, I did hundreds of rounds of tapping, I did centering prayer daily, I listened to Iyanla Vanzant for the past 46 days every day at 10 am and did the exercises she offered. I have done daily affirmations, brrain retraining, Reiki, probably more that I can’t think of right now.
I had no idea when the day would come, or the hour, that I would reach this place
that I am at today.
Many moments I cried and thought I was going to be permanently sick. I was too sick to do much of anything from October to February. I was already in quarantine. LOL. I would drive up and down the road some days and wish to just die.
Truth… I have suffered more this year, May ’19-May”20, more than I have suffered in most of my 41 years of living. Actually the past seven years has been pretty intense. All of the physical issues, super intense and “gut wrenching” relationship lessons that were harder than hell and literally contributed to my gut imbalance… and the loss of my mother, my best friend, my codependent life line..AND, I had just started a business while she was dying… striving for the past seven years to live that life purpose. I had to stop and cry several times while voice texting this. Because you know I don’t have a thumb to type it out right now, plus I’m still impatient LOL
I let go of my addiction to being sick.
I let go of the root causes of the addiction to being sick.
I let go of any need to be sick.
I let go of any expectation that sickness has to happen.
It was all tied to my childhood, mass amounts of physical medical traumas. Tied to my mom’s fear and worry, tied to PTSD from strep throat and pandas.
I have healed so much stuff… tears again here… And I don’t share a lot about these things because I share it was just a select few people and I don’t like to broadly and openly complain about things because I don’t want that type of energy back to me.
Do I still have work to do yes do I have to continue to surrender, yes… are there going to be challenging moments, yes… but they’re not going to be seen from the same viewpoint that they used to. These are new eyeballs… these are fresh perspectives…. I’ll strive to not worry again about what if I get sick. Because that worry is what created all this in the first place. I trust. I trust God. I trust myself. God lives within me. Holy Spirit guide me. I will be still and listen. I will let go. I will allow that unconditional love to flow. I am a Spiritual Warrior and I will battle not fight.
Click here to read about Iyanla Vanzant. Click here to work with me one on one.
Toxic Masculinity
Toxic Masculinity:
Toxic masculinity is a term used to describe male gender roles that resist certain emotions that are not allowable for them to express.
I am going to discuss how this has seeped out to affect a lot of people, not just men.
Before you go off saying that resisting expression of certain emotions is necessary in certain situations of war, survival and other circumstances, let me say, yes.. I agree with you on that.
Those circumstances are not happening for everyone, yet aspects of this toxic masculinity are still affecting people negatively.
We have somehow learned, that in today’s western world, that we must resist expression of certain emotions in order to survive, be considered strong, to be valuable, or to be viewed as a successful person. We don’t openly express our “unacceptable” emotions that would cause us to appear weak, vulnerable, messy, inadequate, or incapable.
Some of these emotions are: sadness, grief, shame, fear, confusion, and many more.
Yes, yes, boys were taught and told things like:
“boys don’t cry.. have some balls…don’t be a little bitch…don’t be a pussy…suck it up..”
Since the new year began, in my therapy practice, I have heard several women say these some things. They also hold these beliefs.
As you can see, the fuel behind it is: don’t be feminine.. because somehow the expression has been ok for women but not ok for men. Today, it’s not ok for anyone!
So what then do we have here? A big, huge imbalance of the masculine and feminine energies. An overdose of masculine.
Which leads to major issues; some are listed here:
Illness, disconnection in all relationships, blocks to intimacy, addictions, anxiety, depression, dissatisfaction with career. Just to name a few!!
The emotions that are held inside you, are held inside the body too.. not just the mind. Your whole being is affected and every aspect of your humanness.
Oh, and yes, we do have toxic feminine too, which can show up in things like eating disorders, playing victim, blaming, disempowerment, and over emotional expression, especially with the purpose of manipulation.. but we will talk more about that in another article.
The goal is balance. To balance masculine and feminine energies. We must learn to be vulnerable and let out how we are feeling. We must speak the truth of what is going on inside of us. But we must also discern when to do that and with whom. We can release the emotions first and then speak of them. Acknowledge them. Accept them.
When they are first arising, you may be overwhelmed. You must find a good therapist or trusted and skilled friend to be there for you through that. I promise you won’t get stuck in them! You won’t swing to the other side of the pendulum and be super emotional all day every day.
We cannot bypass this!!! Don’t let any spiritual guru, or any pastor tell you that you can. They are usually men by the way, who are telling people that they can just go detach from their ego and go into non duality. Or they are saying it’s ok, God saved you and you can just pray about it.
Nope! These emotions and the truth of the human beings that we are cannot be denied. You cannot rise above your humanness and just be spiritual. We are here on the planet in the flesh.
Sure, there are moments when you will need detachment and to let go and shut the ego up. But you can’t stay there all day every day.
Do your inner child healing work, find the blocks that prevent you from being vulnerable and open about the truth of you and go through the pain and uncomfortablility of the emotions. You may have to do it in phases, or cycles.. you may have to circle back to them again and again. But that is what life is.. a circle, an orbit.. we will keep coming back to the same things, each time with a different perspective or realization.
Free yourself to be you. Be not afraid of what people are going to think… be not afraid of losing people or being rejected by them for who you are! Those who are also in their truth will see this and love you more. They will be present in the moment with you. They see you because they see themselves.
You won’t always be in balance. That is impossible. But you will recognize much quicker when something is off, and be able to address it!
I wish you all a wonderful day, and look forward to your comments!
Click Here if you want to work with me and for more info on my session.
Narcissist and Emotionally Wounded Love Addict
A Narcissist, a wounded love addict. THE JOKER & HARLEY QUINN: A Therapist’s view….Emotionally wounded and broken Harley Quinn is vulnerable and desperate and is wide open to be swayed by any charm or what appears to be intense feelings of love since she longs for that. And the joker is a twisted, sadistic, manipulative, narcissist/ sociopath who can prey on the weak and then mold them into what he desires. But guess what folks.. that’s not love..But some people think it’s romantic and think that they are a love story. lol if you actually read the comic you will see the truth of it. And guess what, joker is not in love with her, his true love is unattainable…Batman. The epitome of using dark and turning it into the light.. But suffering, still suffering… and joker is attracted to what he cannot turn into a relief of pain. Batman stays in his pain. But still works for the good of humanity. Joker is obsessed with him , Harley is just his possession, ego boost, and he’s already conquered that. But if he loses her who will he have? And that’s weak.. true weakness .. it’s possible to see her kind show up in therapy but not stick to it.. but he never will.
The sociopaths, narcissist persons may show up but they’re never going to do the work. If the emotionally wounded broken ever decide to get out of their past patterns and jump out of a hamster wheel they could get help. Or die.. one or the other.. It’s kind of sad that people romanticize this relationship. But it just goes to show how many people out there are coming from an emotionally wounded place. So they can relate to this.. they think it’s normal they think this is what love is. They may never truly know what love really is because this is all they know ..this hamster wheel..this loop that they are in. They will just keep being miserable, or they’ll have some kind of breakthrough and understand that this is not real. I can help you to step off the hamster wheel, click here
I would say there’s hope for Harley but I’m not really sure. She seems to have went to the Darkside and is fully submerged into it. She may just have to get killed over there LOL. Why did he go through great lengths to save her if he doesn’t really truly love her? Well because she’s his food. Fuel for the narcissist. If he doesn’t have something to feed on then what does he have? In the comic, she eventually stands up to him and leaves him and then had a romance with poison ivy lol. Onto the next toxic relationship!!! batman had deep pain, watching his parents die. Tried to avenge their deaths… his love is in the pain. Which can be compared to the show Dexter. But that’s a whole different analysis.! Good day folks! click here for help with breaking the pattern of toxic relationships
Grasping at Straws
“This idiom refers to a drowning man grabbing at any floating object, even a straw, to save himself. It was first used by Thomas More in ‘Dialogue of Comfort Against Tribulation.'” It’s like grasping onto nothing. Like reaching outside of yourself for something, anything to save you.
It’s like nothing ever meant anything, or everything you thought meant something didn’t. All the things you thought you needed.. those things you were taught to need.. the things that you were told you needed for this life. They said it was just how it is. Life.. being a human. They said here, this is what love looks like, acts like, what it sounds like.. this is what work is.. you will only be happy if you have this amount of money. You will only be satisfied if you have this family dynamic, and these types of people in your life. You will be truly happy when you find a romantic partner.. They said these are the goals and without them you are missing something in you. All of this is outlined for us.. Then later in life, when you have all those things, but they are not bringing happiness, you say there is something wrong with me. You think you are not good enough, not deserving enough, are ungrateful because you are not happy.
So you start looking into why.. you start blaming.. yea, sure, it is your parents’ fault. They helped to create that whole set up of what equals happiness in this world. But, you can take it further back, all the way to the cave man ancestors and beyond. You can blame them no doubt. Do you feel better now that you have figured out how it got to be this way? Maybe you feel lied to, and are angry that you have gotten all these things they said would make you this happy, peaceful, content human and it’s just not bringing that to you.
Then, you lose these things and you wish you had them back because you are still not happy. You lose a relationship, or a job.. now you are so upset and you feel getting them back will bring happiness that was never there in the first place when you did have all those things.
There is not one person or thing outside of yourself can create contentment and peace.
You try now, out of desperation, to find alternatives.. you grasp at straws. Continuously looking and searching for a person, job, pet, home, child, city, or drug to make you feel better. Exhausting options outside of yourself one by one. Exhausting isn’t it!! Heck, people even go as far as to bring other humans into this world for the selfish reason of trying to fill the void they feel, and to try to bring happiness to themselves. Now you have another human getting the same message you did!! And.. you are still not satisfied and content.
Now, you start to say, “I’ll never be happy, I’ll never have get..” and all the things you say after that. Sending that negative thought out there. “These are just the cards I was dealt..” Well, this ain’t poker folks. You do have the power to change this.
You have the means to be content, happy, and at peace all alone with nothing and none of these things which you are so desperately grasping for. The things you have been grasping at, reaching for, that you believe will save you are not the answer. They are not the life rafts. You don’t need a float. You can keep yourself from drowning all on your own. You are already equipped with all you need to survive.
Stop struggling and desperately grasping and just let go.. you make think you will sink, you may think you will surely die without all these things you feel you have to have in life. You won’t die. At all. You will fucking fly up out of that water!!! Everything you thought would bring you this amazingness has not so far and has kept you half drowning. So save yourself. Accept that you don’t have any clue as to how the fuck this contentment is possible from just within you. That is really the first step to feeling true freedom, peace, happiness, love, connection, and security.
Let me end with a quote from the vampire version of lady GaGa in American Horror Story, as she was telling a woman what the transition from human to vampire would be like:
“You must completely surrender.. be totally ripped apart, ravished.. it may feel like you are dying and maybe you are. But from blood comes life, better, stronger, more glorious than you could have ever imagined. And you will rise.” Wow, that quote right!! It was in a horror story, just simply to be a dramatic, scary way to describe what it feels like to become a vampire right? It’s not coincidence that this is what it feels like to awaken to the truth. The truth of you.
Patterns, addictions, victims, dependencies.
Super self realization!!!! I wanted to make a video because it is way cooler and more raw, but I know many won’t sit through a video and some hate to read and won’t read all of this.. but those who are meant to see this and need to see this will read it. Well I know I should be out on my bike right now because it’s so nice out, but I felt a bit inspired and thought I should write. I had some realizations and awareness I wanted to share. I realized a good while back that I had issues with codependency. It started to develop as a child with a mother who was very overly protective and anxious. The relationship we had was intensely enmeshed and codependent. Therefore as an adult I played out the same thing in friendships and relationships. Since I have known this for a while I have been working on it for quite some time. But there are always more awarenesses inside a bigger awareness it seems LOL! More layers to uncover.
So I was talking to a friend of mine about different things last night and woke up this morning to a video that really created a full realization for me! I was like holy shit that’s what I have done!! I will post the video, by Richard Gannon, but I want to mention the things that stood out for me: The first couple minutes he discusses how we justify things..”it is my fault she acts this way,” “it only happens when” etc. Then from 2mins to 4mins or so, he discusses fake morality. We see it as taking the higher road, being the better person, and saying that the person is wounded and need our help. But in all actuality it’s a fake morality. It’s just something that has been playing out since childhood as an addictive type of adult role play game. This is due to the way we were raised and our experiences with parents. Emotional neglect, lack of attachments and bonds, over attachments and bonds, parents that abused substances, and the list goes on!! The fake morality of the people pleaser is what holds abusive relationships in place. The other person needs your fake moral structure to continue the dysfunctional relationship. It’s not that you are “doing the right thing” it’s just that you are a trained victim and codependent! He says this “the people pleaser is a slave, an addict, and feels the most comfortable, warm and cozy when there is a thick black boot resting on their face! It is not moral, you are a victim and an addict!” He goes on to say that to fix this, the first person you set up boundaries with and say NO to is yourself. Then you have to say NO to “that sick, perverted, addicted, instinct inside of you that leaps forward to try to help somebody when perhaps, you aren’t really even helping yourself.” Then he goes on to discuss things he calls emotional flashbacks and guilt. Guilt causes you to do a lot of people pleaser things.. He mentions codependency and uses an analogy of little zombie slaves LOL. When he mentioned about staying in a relationship because he was a therapist and that was the brave, and right thing to do because this person needed help and was wounded.. that hit home for me! He also mentions staying in a relationship that is high drama with reaction seeking people who are abusive because it’s exciting to you. He referenced a woman who stayed with a war vet who had ptsd because she was trying to fix him. If the relationship is not tearing out your guts and is painful then it’s not love. I also like the reference to the friend who asks for a ride, but you are busy. You feel guilty about it, so you promise the person you will make it up with extra rides. Instead of just saying no, I’m busy.
The video made me realize that I am a work in progress and am still working on some of these things and others of them I have already moved past. I have moved past the anger at my mother because I know that I chose her on the soul level and chose the experience with her. We co created that together as souls for our life purpose. I would not be where and who I am today without that experience. I don’t feel sad anymore or bad for myself. I have forgiven her and myself completely. That was the first major step. Being a recovering codependent I must keep on top of things and realize when I sink back into patterns. I still have a hard time saying no to people when they ask for something. At times I go into that therapist I can save you mode. But the point it to just be aware of it! The biggest point I am trying to make is to be aware because I will say this: Once you are aware, you can’t turn a blind eye. You can’t go back. You can’t unsee it. You know those weird shapes tests they have you look at and they say what do you see? Well you may see a butterfly, but when they point out there is also a face there, you can’t go back to just seeing the butterfly. You will always see the face too. Well that’s what I am saying, you can try like hell to unsee the damn face, but you always know it’s there. Eventually with that awareness, you will have to face it LOL.. He mentions that it takes a year of therapy to heal this shit.. well I say each person is different, maybe the awareness is all you needed, maybe you write about shit and it heals you, maybe you go to therapy, maybe you go retreat into the wild woods.. whatever it is.. but once your eyes are opened you can’t shut them again.. you can try, but the universe will force those eyelids open again and again til you address it. My other important point here is to love, accept and forgive yourself and people from your past that helped to create this YOU. Remember on the soul level you chose this experience for your personal growth as a soul. Not just a human being, but a soul!! You are truly not really a victim at all. Thank you all for reading this. I love you. Here is is video that inspired me: https://youtu.be/Wrm6aur3wow
Codependency Facts
Just an FYI for anyone who was wondering, This is how google defines codependency.
a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.[12]
intense and unstable interpersonal relationships,
inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone,
chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,
subordinating one’s own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,
overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection,
external referencing,
dishonesty and denial, and
low self-worth
“Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, psychosomatic illnesses, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors.[30] People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships”
“Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish.[15] Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior) is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person is not.[15”