4 reasons you can’t say NO, and people please:
- Worry about how others will perceive you.
- To avoid feeling guilty or bad.
- To prevent loss.
- To make yourself feel valuable
Let’s break these down!
Often, as a therapist, I hear people tell me that they can’t say no when they want to. It is one of the top 5 issues that keep people from being free and happy.
Number one… Worry about how others will perceive you… you might say to yourself, “what if they tell others and then they think I’m a bad person.” Why is this such a worry? Because of what your programming says you “should”do. Outside, learned expectations of what/how people should be/do.
Number two…following through with something you don’t want to do in order to avoid something you don’t want to feel… is most commonly associated with guilt. But what is guilt? Where does it come from? Guilt is associated with doing something “wrong,” especially in a court of law. Why would we think we are “wrong” in a relationship? Go back to #1… Something we “should” be doing or being.
Number three…If you don’t do this, and say NO, then that person may distance themselves from you. You could lose a connection. This could trigger abandonment feelings. Even though that connection might not be healthy and you are hiding your true feelings, you might rather keep someone than lose them. Also, you may think, “If I don’t do this, then they won’t be there for me when I need it…” which is codependency.
Number four…last but not least… You don’t say No because you are getting something from it. You may fulfill the need to feel like “I am always the one everyone can depend on.” And that makes you feel valuable. Wanted. Needed. If you say No, they might not ask you again.. Then where would you get your value fix? They might not come to you again. Which ultimately leads back to #3, loss of connection.
See how these are all intertwined!!
You can’t totally separate them out. Just as you can’t totally separate the mind from the body. Although I see so many people “in their head” 95% of the day, it is causing them misery and suffering. Just watch someone when they talk. What is their body doing? Are they looking away from you a lot? Looking around to different eye positions is necessary to disengage from the moment and to recall with the mind. The body is forced out of engagement, via the eyes, from the person in front of them.
Also, you may see someone touch their head a lot. I often see people put both hands up to each side of their head when they are trying to utilize all head. They are forcing all the focus and life force energy to the mind, by using their hands to hold it.
So how do you stop people pleasing and start saying NO???????
You dig into these 4 areas and write out what is specifically happening inside of yourself. You sit and breathe while you do this. You stop, close your eyes, ask your body where do you feel this. You reconnect body with mind so they can work together. You ask yourself questions. Am I really ok with this belief I’ve identified? Why am I worried about being seen differently? What would that mean about me? Am I willing to choose to live differently? Am I willing to feel uncomfortable, temporarily, to set myself free and live more authentically?
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