Super self realization!!!! I wanted to make a video because it is way cooler and more raw, but I know many won’t sit through a video and some hate to read and won’t read all of this.. but those who are meant to see this and need to see this will read it.   Well I know I should be out on my bike right now because it’s so nice out, but I felt a bit inspired and thought I should write.  I had some realizations and awareness I wanted to share.  I realized a good while back that I had issues with codependency.  It started to develop as a child with a mother who was very overly protective and anxious.  The relationship we had was intensely enmeshed and codependent.  Therefore as an adult I played out the same thing in friendships and relationships.  Since I have known this for a while I have been working on it for quite some time.  But there are always more awarenesses inside a bigger awareness it seems LOL!    More layers to uncover.

So I was talking to a friend of mine about different things last night and woke up this morning to a video that really created a full realization for me!  I was like holy shit that’s what I have done!! I will post the video, by Richard Gannon,  but I want to mention the things that stood out for me:  The first couple minutes he discusses how we justify things..”it is my fault she acts this way,” “it only happens when” etc.   Then from 2mins to 4mins or so, he discusses fake morality.  We see it as taking the higher road, being the better person, and saying that the person is wounded and need our help.  But in all actuality it’s a fake morality.  It’s just something that has been playing out since childhood as an addictive type of adult role play game.  This is due to the way we were raised and our experiences with parents.  Emotional neglect, lack of attachments and bonds, over attachments and bonds, parents that abused substances, and the list goes on!! The fake morality of the people pleaser is what holds abusive relationships in place.  The other person needs your fake moral structure to continue the dysfunctional relationship.  It’s not that you  are “doing the right thing” it’s just that you are a trained victim and codependent!  He says this “the people pleaser is a slave, an addict, and feels the most comfortable, warm and cozy when there is a thick black boot resting on their face!  It is not moral, you are a victim and an addict!”  He goes on to say that to fix this, the first person you set up boundaries with and say NO to is yourself.  Then you have to say NO to “that sick, perverted, addicted, instinct inside of you that leaps forward to try to help somebody when perhaps, you aren’t really even helping yourself.”  Then he goes on to discuss things he calls emotional flashbacks and guilt.  Guilt causes you to do a lot of people pleaser things.. He mentions codependency and uses an analogy of little zombie slaves LOL.  When he mentioned about staying in a relationship because he was a therapist and that was the brave, and right thing to do because this person needed help and was wounded.. that hit home for me!  He also  mentions staying in a relationship that is high drama with reaction seeking people who are abusive because it’s exciting to you.  He referenced a woman who stayed with a war vet who had ptsd because she was trying to fix him.  If the relationship is not tearing out your guts and is painful then it’s not love.  I also like the reference to the friend who asks for a ride, but you are busy.  You feel guilty about it, so you promise the person you will make it up with extra rides.  Instead of just saying no, I’m busy.

The video made me realize that I am a work in progress and am still working on some of these things and others of them I have already moved past. I have moved past the anger at my mother because I know that I chose her on the soul level and chose the experience with her. We co created that together as souls for our life purpose.  I would not be where and who I am today without that experience.  I don’t feel sad anymore or bad for myself.  I have forgiven her and myself completely.  That was the first major step.   Being a recovering codependent I must keep on top of things and realize when I sink back into patterns.  I still have a hard time saying no to people when they ask for something.  At times I go into that therapist I can save you mode.  But the point it to just be aware of it!  The biggest point I am trying to make is to be aware because I will say this:  Once you are aware, you can’t turn a blind eye.  You can’t go back.  You can’t unsee it.  You know those weird shapes tests they have you look at and they say what do you see?  Well you may see a butterfly, but when they point out there is also a face there, you can’t go back to just seeing the butterfly. You will always see the face too.  Well that’s what I am saying, you can try like hell to unsee the damn face, but you always know it’s there.  Eventually with that awareness, you will have to face it LOL..  He mentions that it takes a year of therapy to heal this shit.. well I say each person is different, maybe the awareness is all you needed, maybe you write about shit and it heals you, maybe you go to therapy, maybe you go retreat into the wild woods.. whatever it is.. but once your eyes are opened you can’t shut them again.. you can try, but the universe will force those eyelids open again and again til you address it. My other important point here is to love, accept and forgive yourself and people from your past that helped to create this YOU.  Remember on the soul  level you chose this experience for your personal growth as a soul. Not just a human being, but a soul!!  You are truly not really a victim at all. Thank you all for reading this.  I love you.  Here is is video that inspired me: https://youtu.be/Wrm6aur3wow 

Codependency Facts

Just an FYI for anyone who was wondering, This is how google defines codependency.

 a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.[12]

intense and unstable interpersonal relationships,

inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone,

chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,

subordinating one’s own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,

overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection,

external referencing,

dishonesty and denial, and

low self-worth

“Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, psychosomatic illnesses, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors.[30] People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships”

“Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish.[15] Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior) is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person is not.[15”