Category Archives: emotion code

4 Reasons You Can’t say “NO”

4 reasons you can’t say NO, and people please:

  1. Worry about how others will perceive you.
  2. To avoid feeling guilty or bad.
  3. To prevent loss.
  4. To make yourself feel valuable

Let’s break these down!

Often, as a therapist, I hear people tell me that they can’t say no when they want to.  It is one of the top 5 issues that keep people from being free and happy. 

Number one… Worry about how others will perceive you… you might say to yourself, “what if they tell others and then they think I’m a bad person.”  Why is this such a worry?  Because of what your programming says you “should”do.  Outside, learned expectations of what/how people should be/do.

Number two…following through with something you don’t want to do in order to avoid something you don’t want to feel… is most commonly associated with guilt.  But what is guilt? Where does it come from? Guilt is associated with doing something “wrong,” especially in a court of law.  Why would we think we are “wrong” in a relationship? Go back to #1… Something we “should” be doing or being. 

Number three…If you don’t do this, and say NO, then that person may distance themselves from you.  You could lose a connection.  This could trigger abandonment feelings.  Even though that connection might not be healthy and you are hiding your true feelings, you might rather keep someone than lose them.  Also, you may think, “If I don’t do this, then they won’t be there for me when I need it…” which is codependency.

Number four…last but not least… You don’t say No because you are getting something from it.  You may fulfill the need to feel like “I am always the one everyone can depend on.”  And that makes you feel valuable.  Wanted.  Needed.  If you say No, they might not ask you again.. Then where would you get your value fix?  They might not come to you again.  Which ultimately leads back to #3, loss of connection. 

See how these are all intertwined!! 

You can’t totally separate them out.  Just as you can’t totally separate the mind from the body.  Although I see so many people “in their head” 95% of the day, it is causing them misery and suffering.  Just watch someone when they talk.  What is their body doing?  Are they looking away from you a lot?  Looking around to different eye positions is necessary to disengage from the moment and to recall with the mind.  The body is forced out of engagement, via the eyes, from the person in front of them. 

Also, you may see someone touch their head a lot.  I often see people put both hands up to each side of their head when they are trying to utilize all head.  They are forcing all the focus and life force energy to the mind, by using their hands to hold it.   

So how do you stop people pleasing and start saying NO???????

You dig into these 4 areas and write out what is specifically happening inside of yourself.  You sit and breathe while you do this.  You stop, close your eyes, ask your body where do you feel this.  You reconnect body with mind so they can work together.  You ask yourself questions.  Am I really ok with this belief I’ve identified?  Why am I worried about being seen differently?  What would that mean about me?  Am I willing to choose to live differently?  Am I willing to feel uncomfortable, temporarily, to set myself free and live more authentically?

Get someone to help guide you through this process if you need it!!!! Click here to work with me.

Sweet Surrender

I’m in complete gratitude right now, and Joy. This is the first time since last summer that I have been able to do a full boxing high intensity workout without any repercussions.
Last summer I was at the Academy and I was doing a one on one session with Chris and I never felt so sick in my life. After class, I had to wait for an hour before I could even leave the building. I am grateful for my family at the Academy who helped me to get through it after that workout. After that, I continued to physically decline and was broken down to the point of not being able to even eat this past fall. I had to give up all of my workouts aside from some squats and some dips on a chair.
I have worked really hard to get back to where I’m at, but the thing that got me there was God. And my surrender to God completely.
Yes I took supplements, yes I did reevaluate my entire diet. But I spent hours per day meditating, praying, surrendering my past, my future, everything to God. Over and over.
It wasn’t just one time and a miracle happened. I continued to surrender over and over. Today I listened to Iyanla Vanzant talk about surrender being the one most important thing you can do as a spiritual warrior… And it’s so true.
I wanted to cling so tightly to the things that I had, the lifestyle that I had. But I had to be willing to let it go completely. I had to be willing to accept where I was at. Period.
I had to let go of past trauma and fear. I had to open myself up in a different way. I had to let go of beliefs and illusions of control. I had to be completely uncomfortable… feel utterly miserable.
In the past two weeks I have reached another level of surrender. This quarantine has given me an opportunity to go way deeper than I ever thought I would go. To surrender more than I ever thought I would. And to change my entire DNA. My genetic make up. I have healed completely. Mind body and soul.
I’m so grateful to have been shown the way to complete and utter peace and freedom. Of course I’ll not take for granted anything in life. I will strive to always be flexible, be aware, and practice surrender, the art of surrender, every day. Whether that has to do with relationships or money or physical health or home life whatever the case.
This is not to say I will not have goals. Because the entire time that I was doing all of this healing I had a goal which was to be able to do exactly what I did today: full rounds of boxing with high intensity.. full force.. with out feeling one repercussion or symptom in my body!
I am in a state of bliss. I just cried tears of joy. I am so grateful for my connection with the Lord. Blessed Trinity. Sacred Heart of Jesus. I’m a fighter. And in order to win this battle I had to stop fighting… Completely surrender.. it is Your will not my will. But I can tell you what I want and I can tell you what I’m going to strive for. Our wills  happened to match up LOL.
I did three 21 day meditations with Oprah and Deepak Chopra, I did hundreds of rounds of tapping, I did centering prayer daily, I listened to Iyanla Vanzant for the past 46 days every day at 10 am and did the exercises she offered. I have done daily affirmations, brrain retraining, Reiki, probably more that I can’t think of right now.
I had no idea when the day would come, or the hour, that I would reach this place
that I am at today.
Many moments I cried and thought I was going to be permanently sick. I was too sick to do much of anything from October to February. I was already in quarantine. LOL. I would drive up and down the road some days and wish to just die.
Truth… I have suffered more this year, May ’19-May”20, more than I have suffered in most of my 41 years of living. Actually the past seven years has been pretty intense. All of the physical issues, super intense and “gut wrenching” relationship lessons that were harder than hell and literally contributed to my gut imbalance… and the loss of my mother, my best friend, my codependent life line..AND, I had just started a business while she was dying… striving for the past seven years to live that life purpose. I had to stop and cry several times while voice texting this. Because you know I don’t have a thumb to type it out right now, plus I’m still impatient LOL
I let go of my addiction to being sick.
I let go of the root causes of the addiction to being sick.
I let go of any need to be sick.
I let go of any expectation that sickness has to happen.
It was all tied to my childhood, mass amounts of physical medical traumas. Tied to my mom’s fear and worry, tied to PTSD from strep throat and pandas.
I have healed so much stuff… tears again here… And I don’t share a lot about these things because I share it was just a select few people and I don’t like to broadly and openly complain about things because I don’t want that type of energy back to me.
Do I still have work to do yes do I have to continue to surrender, yes… are there going to be challenging moments, yes… but they’re not going to be seen from the same viewpoint that they used to. These are new eyeballs… these are fresh perspectives…. I’ll strive to not worry again about what if I get sick. Because that worry is what created all this in the first place. I trust. I trust God. I trust myself. God lives within me. Holy Spirit guide me. I will be still and listen. I will let go. I will allow that unconditional love to flow. I am a Spiritual Warrior and I will battle not fight.
Click here to read about Iyanla Vanzant. Click here to work with me one on one.

Toxic Masculinity

Toxic Masculinity:

Toxic masculinity is a term used to describe male gender roles that resist certain emotions that are not allowable for them to express.

I am going to discuss how this has seeped out to affect a lot of people, not just men.

Before you go off saying that resisting expression of certain emotions is necessary in certain situations of war, survival and other circumstances, let me say, yes.. I agree with you on that.

Those circumstances are not happening for everyone, yet aspects of this toxic masculinity are still affecting people negatively.

We have somehow learned, that in today’s western world, that we must resist expression of certain emotions in order to survive, be considered strong, to be valuable, or to be viewed as a successful person. We don’t openly express our “unacceptable” emotions that would cause us to appear weak, vulnerable, messy, inadequate, or incapable.

Some of these emotions are: sadness, grief, shame, fear, confusion, and many more.

Yes, yes, boys were taught and told things like:

“boys don’t cry.. have some balls…don’t be a little bitch…don’t be a pussy…suck it up..”

Since the new year began, in my therapy practice, I have heard several women say these some things. They also hold these beliefs.

As you can see, the fuel behind it is: don’t be feminine.. because somehow the expression has been ok for women but not ok for men. Today, it’s not ok for anyone!

So what then do we have here? A big, huge imbalance of the masculine and feminine energies. An overdose of masculine.

Which leads to major issues; some are listed here:

Illness, disconnection in all relationships, blocks to intimacy, addictions, anxiety, depression, dissatisfaction with career. Just to name a few!!

The emotions that are held inside you, are held inside the body too.. not just the mind. Your whole being is affected and every aspect of your humanness.

Oh, and yes, we do have toxic feminine too, which can show up in things like eating disorders, playing victim, blaming, disempowerment, and over emotional expression, especially with the purpose of manipulation.. but we will talk more about that in another article.

The goal is balance. To balance masculine and feminine energies. We must learn to be vulnerable and let out how we are feeling. We must speak the truth of what is going on inside of us. But we must also discern when to do that and with whom. We can release the emotions first and then speak of them. Acknowledge them. Accept them.

When they are first arising, you may be overwhelmed. You must find a good therapist or trusted and skilled friend to be there for you through that. I promise you won’t get stuck in them! You won’t swing to the other side of the pendulum and be super emotional all day every day.

We cannot bypass this!!! Don’t let any spiritual guru, or any pastor tell you that you can. They are usually men by the way, who are telling people that they can just go detach from their ego and go into non duality. Or they are saying it’s ok, God saved you and you can just pray about it.

Nope! These emotions and the truth of the human beings that we are cannot be denied. You cannot rise above your humanness and just be spiritual. We are here on the planet in the flesh.

Sure, there are moments when you will need detachment and to let go and shut the ego up. But you can’t stay there all day every day.

Do your inner child healing work, find the blocks that prevent you from being vulnerable and open about the truth of you and go through the pain and uncomfortablility of the emotions. You may have to do it in phases, or cycles.. you may have to circle back to them again and again. But that is what life is.. a circle, an orbit.. we will keep coming back to the same things, each time with a different perspective or realization.

Free yourself to be you. Be not afraid of what people are going to think… be not afraid of losing people or being rejected by them for who you are! Those who are also in their truth will see this and love you more. They will be present in the moment with you. They see you because they see themselves.

You won’t always be in balance. That is impossible. But you will recognize much quicker when something is off, and be able to address it!

I wish you all a wonderful day, and look forward to your comments!

Click Here if you want to work with me and for more info on my session.

Patterns, addictions, victims, dependencies.

Super self realization!!!! I wanted to make a video because it is way cooler and more raw, but I know many won’t sit through a video and some hate to read and won’t read all of this.. but those who are meant to see this and need to see this will read it.   Well I know I should be out on my bike right now because it’s so nice out, but I felt a bit inspired and thought I should write.  I had some realizations and awareness I wanted to share.  I realized a good while back that I had issues with codependency.  It started to develop as a child with a mother who was very overly protective and anxious.  The relationship we had was intensely enmeshed and codependent.  Therefore as an adult I played out the same thing in friendships and relationships.  Since I have known this for a while I have been working on it for quite some time.  But there are always more awarenesses inside a bigger awareness it seems LOL!    More layers to uncover.

So I was talking to a friend of mine about different things last night and woke up this morning to a video that really created a full realization for me!  I was like holy shit that’s what I have done!! I will post the video, by Richard Gannon,  but I want to mention the things that stood out for me:  The first couple minutes he discusses how we justify things..”it is my fault she acts this way,” “it only happens when” etc.   Then from 2mins to 4mins or so, he discusses fake morality.  We see it as taking the higher road, being the better person, and saying that the person is wounded and need our help.  But in all actuality it’s a fake morality.  It’s just something that has been playing out since childhood as an addictive type of adult role play game.  This is due to the way we were raised and our experiences with parents.  Emotional neglect, lack of attachments and bonds, over attachments and bonds, parents that abused substances, and the list goes on!! The fake morality of the people pleaser is what holds abusive relationships in place.  The other person needs your fake moral structure to continue the dysfunctional relationship.  It’s not that you  are “doing the right thing” it’s just that you are a trained victim and codependent!  He says this “the people pleaser is a slave, an addict, and feels the most comfortable, warm and cozy when there is a thick black boot resting on their face!  It is not moral, you are a victim and an addict!”  He goes on to say that to fix this, the first person you set up boundaries with and say NO to is yourself.  Then you have to say NO to “that sick, perverted, addicted, instinct inside of you that leaps forward to try to help somebody when perhaps, you aren’t really even helping yourself.”  Then he goes on to discuss things he calls emotional flashbacks and guilt.  Guilt causes you to do a lot of people pleaser things.. He mentions codependency and uses an analogy of little zombie slaves LOL.  When he mentioned about staying in a relationship because he was a therapist and that was the brave, and right thing to do because this person needed help and was wounded.. that hit home for me!  He also  mentions staying in a relationship that is high drama with reaction seeking people who are abusive because it’s exciting to you.  He referenced a woman who stayed with a war vet who had ptsd because she was trying to fix him.  If the relationship is not tearing out your guts and is painful then it’s not love.  I also like the reference to the friend who asks for a ride, but you are busy.  You feel guilty about it, so you promise the person you will make it up with extra rides.  Instead of just saying no, I’m busy.

The video made me realize that I am a work in progress and am still working on some of these things and others of them I have already moved past. I have moved past the anger at my mother because I know that I chose her on the soul level and chose the experience with her. We co created that together as souls for our life purpose.  I would not be where and who I am today without that experience.  I don’t feel sad anymore or bad for myself.  I have forgiven her and myself completely.  That was the first major step.   Being a recovering codependent I must keep on top of things and realize when I sink back into patterns.  I still have a hard time saying no to people when they ask for something.  At times I go into that therapist I can save you mode.  But the point it to just be aware of it!  The biggest point I am trying to make is to be aware because I will say this:  Once you are aware, you can’t turn a blind eye.  You can’t go back.  You can’t unsee it.  You know those weird shapes tests they have you look at and they say what do you see?  Well you may see a butterfly, but when they point out there is also a face there, you can’t go back to just seeing the butterfly. You will always see the face too.  Well that’s what I am saying, you can try like hell to unsee the damn face, but you always know it’s there.  Eventually with that awareness, you will have to face it LOL..  He mentions that it takes a year of therapy to heal this shit.. well I say each person is different, maybe the awareness is all you needed, maybe you write about shit and it heals you, maybe you go to therapy, maybe you go retreat into the wild woods.. whatever it is.. but once your eyes are opened you can’t shut them again.. you can try, but the universe will force those eyelids open again and again til you address it. My other important point here is to love, accept and forgive yourself and people from your past that helped to create this YOU.  Remember on the soul  level you chose this experience for your personal growth as a soul. Not just a human being, but a soul!!  You are truly not really a victim at all. Thank you all for reading this.  I love you.  Here is is video that inspired me: 

Codependency Facts

Just an FYI for anyone who was wondering, This is how google defines codependency.

 a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.[12]

intense and unstable interpersonal relationships,

inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone,

chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,

subordinating one’s own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,

overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection,

external referencing,

dishonesty and denial, and

low self-worth

“Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, psychosomatic illnesses, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors.[30] People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships”

“Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish.[15] Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior) is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person is not.[15”

Chakra Healing-Heart Chakra

heart chakra image

The Heart Chakra is the 4th of the seven chakras, and it is represented by the color green.  It involves the circulatory system, diaphragm, heart, lungs, arms, shoulders, ribs, breasts and thymus gland.

The heart chakra can be affected by situations that have emotionally stressful aspects, or as some say, “matters of the heart.”  Some examples are divorce, or separation of intimate relationships, loss of loved ones to death, or a betrayal of trust by another person.

The heart chakra is meant to give and receive love, but when it is out of balance, it cannot do its job effectively. One reason for being out of balance is trapped emotions.  When feelings get hurt over and over, or many losses occur, a person can build up a protective wall.  It is no longer desirable to open up to love for fear of betrayal, loss, grief, heartache, or loneliness.  A person can become defensive, and then the heart can be protected by a wall of energetic material along with trapped emotions in the energy field.

In the Emotion Code, Dr. Nelson calls this the heartwall.  Thankfully, the heartwall can be removed by Emotion Code therapy and Reiki.

The Heart Chakra-Effects

A person can actually feel emotional hurts in a physical way in the chest area.  The chest may feel heavy, tightness or pressure.  Many anxieties and fears are felt in the heart chakra area, even if they originate from another chakra. If the heart chakra is too open, a person could be ruled by their emotions.  There are many people out there who give way too much and receive very little.  They never take any love for themselves, or give themselves any self-love.  The opposite end of the spectrum is a closed heart chakra.  The hear is in total protective, defensive mode and will not give or receive love.  It is now just like a castle with a very large moat around it with no bridge or any access to enter it.  Creating a balance in the heart chakra is ideal! The key to balancing the heart chakra is first giving self-love. Without loving yourself first, giving and receiving any other love is hard to achieve.

Heart Chakra Healing

Here are some ways to balance and heal the heart chakra: There are many techniques that I enjoy utilizing to balance the heart chakra.  Contacting me for an Emotion code or a Reiki session for heart chakra healing would be very effective.  Here are some things to do in the meantime on your own:  Mirror work by Louise Hay.   Louise tells us to talk to ourselves in the mirror daily and tell yourself “I love you” and other positive things like “you are magnificent.”  Even if it feels strange at first, just give it some time.  Also Chakra toning is an effective way to help heal the heart chakra.  Allowing your voice to make the AH sound for as long as your breath allows, then repeating it a few times until the heart chakra area feels lighter and more clear.  Also, asking angels for help is really useful!  Archangel Raphael is always there to assist in healing the heart if you call upon him.